JOKES 8
Skills all men should have
Classes for Men at the Local Adult Education Center.
Sign up by July 29th, 2002.
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a
maximum of 8 participants.
Topic 1
- How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2
- The toilet paper roll: Does it grow on the holder?
Round table discussion.
Topic 3
- Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the
floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice.
Topic 4
- Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5
- The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 6
- Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other.
Help line support and support groups.
Topic 7
- Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 8
- Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9
- Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.
Topic 10
- Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 11
- Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 12
- How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 13
- How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates
and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Upon completion of the course diplomas will be
issued
to the survivors.
THINGS THAT MAY TAKE YOU SIXTY YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often,
that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight saving time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
AND ONE MORE:Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.
A MOTHER'S DICTIONARY
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
How the Internet Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called
Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling
you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself
inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men
did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel
dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or
NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum
company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work
only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be
known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to
eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape,and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite
chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such
a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.."
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkeys and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy
to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
ETERNAL TRUTHS:
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
We cannot change the direction of the wind...but we can adjust our sails.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?
If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray'-ter : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl' : What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette burn'-a-det' : The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize' : What a crook sees with.
Control kon'-trol : A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown'-ter-fit'-ers : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse ee-klips' : What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur : A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee-rhos' : What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk' : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis-tee' : How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks' : Two physicians.
Parasites par'-ih-sites' : What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist : A helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize' : What penguins see with.
Primate pri'-mate' : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef' : What trees do in the spring.
Selfish sel'-fish' : What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood' : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed' : Brought litigation against a government official.
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few
moments later with beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot
front top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.
The vet fussed the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later
with
a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The
cat
sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150
just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have
been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
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